This is a English translation of a Turkish language Instagram conversation between Dr.Tayfun Çalkavur and Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler discussing resistance in the context of therapy, using examples from Gestalt approach. Published with the kind permission of Prof.Dr.Nita Scherler.

Prof.Dr. Hanna Nita Scherler is a distinguished clinical psychologist, educator, and dedicated advocate of Gestalt methodology as a holistic approach to life and therapy.

She serves as a faculty member at Hasan Kalyoncu University and maintains a private practice where she works with individuals, couples, and professionals, offering psychotherapy, supervision, and personal development workshops. With a rich academic background—including a BS in Business Administration-Marketing, dual master’s degrees in Social and Clinical Psychology from Boğaziçi University, and a PhD in Clinical Psychology from Fielding Graduate University (USA)—she uniquely bridges interdisciplinary insights into her practice. Her expertise is further anchored by foundational Gestalt training at the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland and decades of collaboration with international programs in Israel, Georgia, and beyond.

A specialist in process intervention, Prof.Dr. Hanna Nita Scherler is renowned for her dynamic, experiential approach, working in the “here and now” to transform entrenched patterns into pathways for growth. Her multicultural competence, honed through years of engagement with diverse ethnic, religious, and cultural communities, informs her inclusive and adaptive style.

Currently, she is deeply exploring the intersection of universal consciousness and Gestalt principles, a theme she integrates into her educational seminars. Accredited by the European Association for Gestalt Therapy (EAGT) and holding EuroPsy certifications in both Psychology and Psychotherapy Prof.Dr. Nita Scherler is also an active member of the Turkish Psychological Association’s Specialization in Psychotherapy National Awarding Committee.

Tayfun Çalkavur: How did this conversation come about? You mentioned, Professor, that when people come to therapy, 90% genuinely want to change. Yet, when invited to use their existing resources differently, they always find excuses. You defined these excuses as resistance and introduced our famous theme: “We don’t poke at excuses/resistance. Resistance is part of the change process. Resistance is actually an invitation—one we often fail to hear.”

This year, I’ve had pneumonia three times, including this week. Still, I’m not “hearing” it. What is resistance? Where does it make life easier? Where does it complicate things? The floor is yours.

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: With so many questions in a row, I almost felt like resisting! First, thank you—conversing with you is always a pleasure. Doing this in front of an audience makes it even more special.

Everything I’ll say stems from my philosophical grounding. I position myself within humanistic and existential traditions, particularly Fritz Perls’ Gestalt approach. In Gestalt, the core concept is “contact.” What do we make contact with? With the need arising in the here and now.

For example: You announced this live broadcast for 6 PM, so many tuned in to listen. Their need in this moment was to connect, and they acted on it. Hopefully, the content will satisfy them.

If we need the bathroom and go, we’re meeting our present need. Needs in the moment can be physical (hunger, sleep), emotional (expressing anger, joy, fear), mental (seeking knowledge, asking questions), or spiritual (prayer, meditation, admiring nature). In short, contact is central—it’s about engaging with the present need.

Now, linking this to resistance: Resistance is avoiding contact with the present need. It’s the emotional, mental, or behavioral mechanisms blocking the fulfillment of what arises now.

Take a child asking, “Why? What’s this?” If the mother answers, all is well. But if she says, “Hush! Stop asking so much!” or ignores the child, the child creatively adapts to preserve her love. “Curiosity isn’t good for my relationship with Mom,” they learn. Years later, this child—now an adult with a degree and job—joins a new workplace. They need to ask questions but hold back. Why?

“I shouldn’t bother anyone. They’re too busy.”
“I can’t reveal my ignorance—they’ll think I’m incompetent.”
“If I ask and get rejected, it’ll hurt.”

They’re aware of these fears but not that their behavior stems from childhood patterns. The resistance—not asking—is unconscious, rooted in old creative adaptations. Resistance isn’t defiance; it’s a survival strategy turned obstacle.

Tayfun Çalkavur: So we’re arriving at what you call the “crime scene,” aren’t we?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: Yes. In this example, the person’s present-moment need is to ask questions and learn. But their behavior doesn’t serve that current need. Instead, their behavior is still oriented toward fulfilling the need they had decades ago: to avoid losing their mother’s love and approval. They’re still operating with an outdated “exchange rate,” so to speak, even though the “currency” has changed dramatically. That’s resistance in a nutshell.

This is unconscious resistance—acting out of habit, unaware of the resistance itself.

Now, let me give an example of conscious resistance. Right now, I’m speaking, and you’re listening. I’m sure your family at home might want you to do other things, but you’ve chosen to be here. You’re resisting those demands consciously.

Another example: When I snorkel in Kaş, I love watching sea turtles and fish. But I don’t use a snorkel—it bothers me. I just wear goggles. In those moments, I consciously resist breathing through my nose or mouth. Here, resistance is healthy.

When we make conscious choices, we inevitably resist other options. This is functional. Resistance, whether functional or not, redirects energy. That’s why I say we must respect resistance, not poke at it. Poking at resistance only makes people cling to it harder—like trying to snatch someone’s umbrella in the rain. They’ll just find a bigger, firmer one. Instead, we should ask: What threat is this person perceiving, and how are they trying to protect themselves?

For example, if a client avoids eye contact in therapy, I don’t say, “Look at me.” Instead, I say, “I notice you’re avoiding eye contact. Let’s try something: deliberately avoid looking at me for 5-10 minutes. Then, ask yourself what you’re experiencing. Later, try to meet my gaze and reflect on that experience too. Share both with me.” This helps us explore the resistance. It’s not about forcing change but understanding: “I see you can’t look at me. I sense it feels threatening. Let’s support you in not looking, so we can uncover what this means together.”

Tayfun Çalkavur: You mentioned functional and non-functional resistance. How can people recognize this in their own lives?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: Challenges are always treasures. It’s only when we struggle that we’re invited on an inner journey. There’s no point in randomly asking, “Am I resisting here or not?” A person can only recognize resistance when they feel challenged. Struggling means that the defense mechanisms I’ve relied on no longer protect me as they once did from perceived threats. In other words, resistance is how we cling to certain defense mechanisms or behavioral patterns.

Let me expand: Resistance is the organism’s (the human existence across its four dimensions) way of setting boundaries in the here and now. Contact happens at the boundary—how do I define that boundary? For instance, earlier, you asked many questions in a row, and I almost resisted. You’re perceptive and open, but by asking one question after another, I might set a boundary, either playfully or directly. When we set boundaries consciously, we shape the contact. But when boundaries are unconscious, they stem from patterns learned in past relationships with caregivers. If I don’t question these patterns or see my struggles as invitations to grow, I keep applying outdated ways of being to my present life—and that’s where resistance clashes with reality.

Take this example: Suppose I grew up in a family where I always had to plan, manage, and organize everything. Back then, controlling every detail might have been functional. Now, imagine I marry someone laid-back. We plan a vacation, and I say, “Let’s decide now where we’ll have breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. Let’s book reservations—spots might fill up!”

My husband replies, “Who knows if we’ll even want to eat out that day? Maybe we’ll just grab a sandwich.”

I snap, “You always do this! You leave me hanging! I need to know what to expect!”

Here, how am I setting my contact boundary? By demanding clarity and control. How does my husband set his? By saying, “Let’s see what the day brings.”

Contact occurs at the boundary. At this edge, we either merge (agreeing with the other) or differentiate (asserting our will and separating). In this case, my need to control is a constant push to assert my will. Resistance becomes dysfunctional when we rigidly default to merging or differentiating, regardless of the situation. Functional resistance requires flexibility: Can I choose, based on the present need, when to merge and when to assert myself?

If I always insist on my way or always say, “Whatever, I’ll go along,” that’s unconscious, automatic resistance—and it’s dysfunctional.

Tayfun Çalkavur: Would you say one of the toughest parts here is correctly identifying the need at play, Professor?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: Let me rephrase the word “correct.” What’s crucial is identifying the need arising in the present moment. People often rush to assign automatic meaning to it without giving themselves space to truly define it. When this happens, their behavior doesn’t serve the present need—it stifles it.

Does conscious resistance have functions? Absolutely. Resisting consciously means I can choose. It means saying, “I’ll do this, not that.” It allows me to calibrate life’s tensions and protect myself from perceived threats.

Take my own example: Every morning, I prioritize exercise. What am I resisting here? The urge to sleep in, indulge in comfort, or avoid physical effort. By choosing to exercise, I balance two needs—staying healthy and managing my workload. Post-workout, I feel energized, motivated, and more engaged with my tasks.

For me, stagnation is a threat. Mindless eating, avoiding movement, neglecting my body—these feel like unconscious acts of self-betrayal. Exercise shields me from this threat. This is the benefit of conscious resistance.

Unconscious resistance, however, is automatic. It’s thoughtless repetition—like the new employee who doesn’t ask questions, or the person who micromanages everything. Others might lash out when stressed to avoid vulnerability, insist on handling everything alone, or derive meaning only by helping others. Some even label people as “oppressors” to justify their stance. These are all ways of rigidly setting contact boundaries without awareness.

Why is this dysfunctional? Life is never static—it’s constant change. If I rigidly assert control or passively acquiesce to everything, I shut myself off from growth. I camp in my comfort zone, even if it breeds unhappiness. As I often say: “The effort spent resisting is far greater than the effort required to face what we fear.“ Clinging to resistance exhausts us. Letting go—allowing life to unfold—often demands far less energy.

Tayfun Çalkavur: Opportunities arise in succession, inviting us to engage with them.

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: Let’s also touch on dependencies. All addictive behaviors can be seen as forms of resistance. Take alcoholism: whenever someone encounters a stimulus they avoid confronting, they automatically think, “I can’t handle this,” and turn to alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, or substances. They choose the familiar escape—knowing exactly how it’ll feel—over facing the discomfort. It’s like a dog chasing its tail, trapped in a cycle.

What defines the quality of contact? We’re always in contact with something—even in silence. Contact is functional if it meets the present need; if not, it’s dysfunctional. Repeating resistance here means avoiding genuine engagement.

Tayfun Çalkavur: When we don’t address our core needs, we seek substitutes. How do resistance and substitute satisfactions relate?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: Let me illustrate. Suppose I grew up in a principled family where everyone kept promises and acted respectfully. Now, I tutor children and agree on 12 sessions with parents, outlining schedules in writing. But some cancel last minute, refusing payment. If I grew without such principles, I might rage, insisting, “They should change!” This urge to “fix” others is a substitute satisfaction. The healthier response? “Some will pay, some won’t—that’s life.” Resisting this acceptance exhausts me.

Another example: Someone who clawed their way to success through hardship might still believe, “Life must be hard.” Even when things ease, they perceive nonexistent struggles—another substitute satisfaction. Substitute satisfactions are resistance in disguise.

Tayfun Çalkavur: Can pausing between sensation and awareness—slowing reactions to unmet needs—help?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: Briefly, yes. Resistance blocks us from responding authentically. Instead of reacting, ask: “What am I experiencing NOW?” In Gestalt, this means mapping your existence across four dimensions:

1. Physical: “Is my jaw clenched? Breath shallow? Any pain or tension?”
2. Emotional: “Am I angry? Afraid? Jealous?”
3. Mental: “What thoughts arise? ‘They’re against me’? ‘This is too hard’?”
4. Spiritual: “What meaning am I assigning this?”

By describing—not judging—your experience, you avoid reinforcing resistance. This is the Fertile Void: holding space without rushing to label or act.

Tayfun Çalkavur: How does tolerating the unknown connect to resistance?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: Resistance often flares when we can’t bear uncertainty. Instead of letting life unfold, we cling to old patterns—even if they hurt. But true growth requires sitting with the unknown, trusting that the effort to resist often outweighs the effort to simply be.

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: There’s a direct pattern. People generally want to know, predict, plan, organize, and prepare. But no matter how much we try, we can’t foresee everything. The unknown itself becomes a threat for many. To avoid confronting it, we develop defenses: control, over-explaining, caution, precautions. Yet uncertainty still finds us.

Tayfun Çalkavur: How does this connect to social programming?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: Imagine being born into an 88-key piano’s range. Our caregivers shape our ego, which eventually occupies just 30-35 keys—the rest remain hidden in our unconscious. The ego, bound by invisible threads to societal norms, serves the values internalized from our upbringing—social programming. Over time, as we grow, our true desires and feelings no longer fit this limited ego. This mismatch creates struggle. Resistance erupts when the ego, tethered to outdated scripts, fights to maintain control. As Ken Wilber says, the ego must “die” to be reborn in service of the authentic self.

When we resist, the social programming screams, “Don’t you dare!” while the core self waits calmly, like a still sea at dawn. The world may mock, “Why wake at 6 AM? You’re insane!” But the Fertile Void—holding space without judgment—allows us to see both the chaos and the invitation. Only then can the ego dissolve and re-form to serve our essence. This is maturity: aligning behavior with present needs.

Tayfun Çalkavur: Can you share a real-life example?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: Take workplace anxiety. Suppose a company downsizes, and a manager reassures an employee, “You’re invaluable—they’ll relocate you.” Instead of acting, the employee spirals: “They’ll fire me. I’ll never find work. How will I pay debts?” This is producing distress—a resistance loop. The struggle here is pivotal. By asking, “What am I experiencing NOW?”—tracking bodily sensations, emotions, and thoughts—they might realize: “This is my old pattern. I can choose differently.”

The present need isn’t wallowing in fear but networking, updating a CV, or exploring options. Resistance’s quality reveals itself here: clinging to worry vs. channeling energy into solutions.

Another example: If I’m angry at you, Tayfun, the source is me, the object is you, and the content is anger. But if I deflect, saying, “You’re angry at me,” I distort the source. This is resistance—projecting my emotion onto you. Daily life is full of such unconscious swaps

Or if I’m angry at you, Tayfun, but hide it and instead kick a dog on the street, yell at my kids, or pick fights with my spouse—I’ve redirected the object of my anger. If I mask my anger with excessive politeness, I’ve altered the content.

Summarizing resistance: When listening to someone, ask: Are they shifting the source, object, or content of their emotion? This matters because changing the source (e.g., blaming you for my anger) reflects deeper pathology. Shifting the object or content is easier to address, especially if others gently point it out or I create space for self-reflection.

Let’s expand this. Human existence spans four dimensions: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. When triggered, notice which dimension is activated. For example, if coworkers exclude me from lunch:

• Emotional dimension: “They reject me.”
• Mental dimension: “They disregarded me.”

Then, observe how you react:

• Emotional reaction: Crying, shouting.
• Mental reaction: “I wish you’d invited me.”

Mental-level responses are easier to adjust. The more physical/emotional the reaction, the harder the resistance is to resolve.

Decoding resistance alone isn’t enough. Understanding ≠ liberation. The emotional roots must be expressed. Imagine an inner child saying, “I lived through this pain. Let me tell you…” As adults, we can comfort that child: “I’m here now. I’ll handle this.” By offering the compassion our caregivers couldn’t, we heal.

Tayfun Çalkavur: You once asked: “Where does your loyalty lie—with social programming or your true self?”

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: Exactly. Every resistance moment asks this. Social programming shouts, “Conform!” while the true self whispers, “Choose authenticity.” Maturity is aligning with the latter—letting the ego dissolve so your essence guides you.

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: I always say loyalty should be to oneself. What does this mean? At some point, I lived with caregivers who, not knowing better, shaped my ego. Now, I want to free myself from that old ego. My loyalty shouldn’t lie with the conditions of that ego or the people from that time. It should belong to who I am today.

Tayfun Çalkavur: Everything we fear losing threatens our resilience. Is there a link between this fear and resistance?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: What do we cling to?

• Physically: Bodily pleasures, health, survival.
• Emotionally: Being loved, approved, supported.
• Mentally: Self-respect, success, adequacy.
• Spiritually: Meaning and purpose in life.

But life holds tensions.

• Physical existence includes pain, illness, death.
• Emotional existence includes rejection alongside approval.
• Mental existence includes failure and inadequacy alongside success.
• Spiritual existence sometimes loses meaning.

Resistance grows when we cling only to the positive poles. True resilience means accepting both sides. Everyone will face illness, rejection, failure, and existential doubt. Avoidance is futile.

Tayfun Çalkavur: A question from the audience: To overcome resistance tied to anxiety, should we take individual action or seek professional help?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: It depends. If resistance is conscious—like choosing exercise over laziness—you can act alone. But unconscious resistance, rooted in childhood patterns (e.g., avoiding questions due to past shame), often requires a therapist’s mirror. For instance, a child silenced for curiosity becomes an adult who fears “bothering” others. Here, professional guidance helps reframe the narrative: “Your questions matter.”

Ask: Does this resistance protect or imprison me? If it’s survival-based (e.g., avoiding toxic relationships), honor it. If it’s fear masquerading as comfort (e.g., staying in a stifling job), challenge it. Start small: journal, confide in a friend, or pause before reacting. When stuck, a therapist becomes your co-navigator in the Fertile Void—where growth begins.

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: I can’t say it’s mandatory, but as I mentioned earlier, the nature of resistance will guide us. Am I shifting the source, object, or content of my emotion? How entrenched is the “pathology”? If it’s deeply rooted, professional help is certainly beneficial.

Tayfun Çalkavur: Another question: If our present self struggles to “convince” our inner child—like failing to quiet the upstairs neighbor’s noise—what do we do?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: Great question. Trying to “convince” implies control. Instead of persuasion, focus on holding space for the inner child’s vulnerability. In Gestalt, it’s about the figure-ground relationship. The figure isn’t convincing the child but embracing their fragility. The “debt” (past pain) remains—no deleting or inserting. It’s about acknowledgment, not resolution.

On the noisy neighbor metaphor: I once fixated on a neighbor’s noise, nearly losing my mind. Then I asked: “What unresolved inner ‘noise’ does this represent?” When I calmed my internal chaos, the neighbor’s noise didn’t stop—but my reaction to it shifted.

Tayfun Çalkavur: A follow-up: Is appeasing someone’s ego (e.g., a narcissist) instead of confronting them a sign of weakness?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: If you’re dealing with a narcissist—say, a family member you can’t cut ties with—engage with their vulnerability, not their ego. Narcissists lack the capacity to empathize. Don’t expect emotional reciprocity; detach from their reactions to avoid entanglement.

Tayfun Çalkavur: How do we address resistance in children?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: Play therapy works wonders. Early in my career, a couple insisted they never argued in front of their child. Yet, when the girl played with Barbie and Ken dolls, she reenacted loud fights. Play reveals what words hide—resistance surfaces organically.

Tayfun Çalkavur: How should a manager handle a successful but resistant team member?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: Success and resistance can coexist. However, rigid patterns will eventually clash with new challenges. Trust that when they struggle, they’ll seek support. Until then, model flexibility, not force.

Tayfun Çalkavur: What about resistance in adolescents?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: Adolescence is resistance incarnate! It’s a developmental phase where asserting autonomy is healthy. The goal isn’t to eliminate resistance but to channel it. Ask: “What are they protecting?” Often, it’s their emerging identity. Create spaces where their voice matters, and resistance transforms into self-expression.

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: With adolescents, play therapy isn’t effective, and adult-like conversations may also fall flat. Instead, involve the family system. Rather than criticizing the teen or pinpointing “faults,” explore how their dysfunctional behavior sustains the family’s dynamics. Resistance here often serves an unconscious role in maintaining equilibrium.

Tayfun Çalkavur: A listener asks: “If my narcissistic parent is still in my life at 50, and I can’t shake this need for their approval, what do I do?”

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: This may sound harsh, but it’s vital: Every adult must eventually emotionally “kill off” their internalized mother and father. Think of it as unplugging. As children, we’re the socket; our parents are the plug. Adulthood means becoming both the socket and the plug. Stop seeking external validation—generate it within.

Tayfun Çalkavur: “I’m 24, planning to marry someone I believe is right, but I feel resistance. Why?”

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: No partner will ever be “perfect.” Relationships exist to clarify your contact boundary—where you merge and where you differentiate. If you focus on changing them, you’ll drown in dissatisfaction. Instead, ask: “What does this resistance reveal about my unmet needs?” Marry anyone, but let challenges refine your self-awareness, and you’ll find joy.

Tayfun Çalkavur: How do we consciously transform outdated childhood beliefs?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: You’ll recognize their futility when they clash with reality. When stuck, ask: “What meaning am I assigning this situation? Which old belief is at play?“ Write it down. For example, “I must please everyone” might trace back to childhood survival. Update the script: “I choose authenticity over approval.”

Tayfun Çalkavur: Does resistance have a spiritual dimension?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: Absolutely. Spiritually, resistance blocks the realization that life’s experiences—both joy and suffering—are tools for awakening. Clinging to control or meaning stifles the understanding that we are both nothing and everything. Surrender dissolves resistance.

Tayfun Çalkavur: After 30 years with a narcissist, how do I heal?

Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: Stop reliving the past. Pour energy into now: art, exercise, nature—whatever nourishes your essence. Reclaim your narrative. The narcissist’s voice is a shadow; your light outshines it.

Closing Remarks:
Tayfun Çalkavur: A reminder: “Grief follows if we undervalue what we hold.”
Prof. Dr. Nita Scherler: What we “hold” is just 1% of what’s truly ours. May 2025 bring health, flow, and lessons that blossom without struggle. Thank you.